A year has gone by

One year ago today I began a very different journey without my beloved K9 Heidi, returning to the ongoing search effort for a missing girl. You see, hours prior I had received a call from home telling me that my K9 was not feeling well. I drove home that night and immediately took her to an emergency clinic; only to find out I would have to say goodbye to my partner of almost 11 years. I would have to say this was truly one of my greatest loss in life.

I came home in the wee hours of that morning overwhelmed with grief but knowing I had to return to the search I had left. I showered crying every step of the way and drove the hour and half back to our command scene. By noon of this day the world began to hear of my loss which for thousands it became their loss too. You see all K9's that work to recover the missing are special and become hero's to the families and those who work with them in the field; so the loss is felt by those who remember. My K9 Heidi was one of those who gave until her last living day, no warning, no fuss, she exit the world while most were asleep, the same way she entered the world.

I reflect back on the way Heidi came into my life as I had been looking to purchase a new working K9. I had decided that I would go with a yellow lab as I had always been a lover of the German Shepard, I wanted to try something different. In my year search I could not find a suitable partner and one day traveling home from spending the day at numerous breeder locations I received a call from a stranger. Hello, I answered and a strong voice on the other end said, I hear you are looking for a K9, I have a litter of Shepard puppies ready to go right now and you should come by and take a look. I advised the man I was in the market for a yellow lab but after several minutes of conversation he convinced me to stop by making no commitment.

As my husband and I pulled into the address provided I was impressed of the layout and was instantly greeted by this man, it was if I was meant to be there. He showed me around and walked me through a clean and well maintained kennel to see these puppies. He handed me his prize puppy, a beautiful male and I immediately said I have always owned females, but he convinced me this was the pup I needed. He was stunning and had a great drive, but for the hour I spent playing with him he kept running away or wanting to get away distracted by the other puppies. This little female kept coming up to me jumping on me wanting my attention and the man would continue to remove her from me and push the male back my way.

Now, two hours had past and we decided to leave and I was walking out of this area with the male puppy in hand, he was wiggling to get loose while this little female would keep jumping out the the secured housing area running to me and pulling on my pants, this happened about three or four times. I stopped and thought, here this one is constantly trying to get away and this other one was fighting to go with me. My husband said, are your sure this is what you want and looked down at this little girl pup, she is trying to tell you something he added. I knew at that very moment and let go of the male and picked up this little girl saying, this is Peggy's Gift, and we will call her Heidi. The family of Peggy Carr had made a large donation to purchase a new K9 for our organization and to help us in our continual search for others.

So we watched as the man gave Heidi a bath, chipped her and all the paperwork was completed; I tucked Heidi under my coat and she fell asleep the entire ride home. I immediately fell in love and I think my husband did too. We could not wait to show her off sending out emails announcing our new addition and introducing her to family and friends, thinking back even then people came by to meet her and everyone loved her. She was special from that moment on, just barley six weeks old.

I took her everywhere, into the center daily and she adjusted to her role and matured instantly. She was so in tune of her surrounding and my every move, her eye contact and attention was beyond that of a normal puppy and I knew she would be a great partner. Heidi was attending searches at eight weeks old, as I conditioned her for her life ahead. Her first search was a deceased male in South Carolina that CUE found moments after hitting the ground. I walked her through the scene to experience our recovery after the search was over. She adapted well to the world of search and gave her all in training, soon being well known for her protection of the vehicle. Her talent far exceeded my expectations and her love for families of the missing and her always knowing who were families amazed people across the nation.

At nine months old I was waiting until the age of one year for certification, a police officer asked me to walk her through an area for a missing person that we had been searching for, I explained she was not yet certified, but he advised me we were just taking a walk. To my amazement, Heidi had her first recovery that day. Her first high profile cases she worked on was that of a missing little girl and a woman named Alice Donovan, seven years later she would be the first on the scene to help recover a case she worked so hard on with me and hundreds of volunteers, that of Alice Donovan. There were recoveries in between that time and after, but this case was special for both of us, because even when everyone stopped searching for Alice, Heidi and I would go out to keep looking for years, it was meant to be and one of our greatest accomplished victories together.

So many memories I shared with Heidi and even days I find myself remembering things I have forgotten as we traveled so many places together and searched in almost every state as well. She earned her respect in the search world, was known by thousands across the globe. Heidi could be seen on countless local, state and national media coverage while searching, to include Larry King Live, Readers Digest, People Magazine, Chicken Soup Magazine and many others. Upon her death for days flowers, memorial gifts, cards, donation were sent into the CUE Center and left on my door step in honor of her life and awards were presented in her memory. It was a whirlwind of emotions for me as I was reminded of all who truly loved her.

So, today although my loss is still felt greatly, I feel blessed to have had her in my life. She guided me towards a tremendous growth in my search capabilities, making me a better searcher, a better human. LYMI

Another Mother Lives in Anguish

Yesterday I stood beside a mother in anguish experiencing the loss of a missing child; will their ever be a real justice for this crime that lingers on year after year? The pain and torment of the "not knowing" continues to affect families across the nation that suffer a missing loved one, as most move along in their daily task of no realization, until....IT HAPPENS TO THEM!

You see, as I write this blog another family somewhere in the world is reporting their loved one missing and their is just not enough real help. Yes, many fly over the Internet and share the post or pictures and every effort helps, but we have to do more. People need others to join them on the ground floor, stand beside them and offer some relief to the situation, something I have been saying for many years now.

In my devotion to the missing I have walked many miles searching places no one would go, visually have witnessed scenes that no loved one should ever have knowledge of, held a true broken soul until I was exhausted, heard the wales of a cry that rocked me to my core, but worse I have looked into the eyes of pure anguish, a mother seeking an answer "did you", find him/her? These things you can never experience unless you are there, involved and it is needed to understand the real hopelessness families are force to fight against.

December 7, 2014 was another one of those days that the ride home makes more difficult to endure, but it is a needed reminder. It's Christmas time and a mother cries out from the depths of her soul to the accused killers of her son and begs them for mercy, please tell me where my son is! This is what people have come to in this world, we have to beg the killers for mercy, this angers me greatly. Once a person has a missing loved one they will loose or find a renewed faith, they will learn to bargin, they will feel a complete desparation, and so much more; one thing all families will do is beg for a relief from the unknown state they are living in. This is why I and many like me, have dedicated their life too - no matter what it takes, find a releif for these familes, communities and those that love the missing person.

So here we all are, standning on roadways, parking lots, store fronts, front yards holding a sign and telling the world of the missing person and embracing another community, professing our faith as we light another candle in hope it will bring a light to our darkest paths ahead. The question is now, will you join us?

#BRINGZACHHOME 

Monica Caison LYMI
http://www.ncmissingpersons.org (volunteer now)

A Glance at History

The Community United Effort, better known as CUE Center for Missing Persons recently celebrated its 20th year birthday, looking back on the years of struggles, I have to note a few things.

CUE was born to help fill the void in the world of the missing, to bridge the gap when no help was in sight and to be on the ground to walk the journey with victims left behind dealing with the unknown fate of a missing loved one. My glance back I realize how much we have accomplished in our mission since its creation.

Over the years we have experienced much defeat and many sweet victories, but the most cherished moments are those behind the scene with families of the missing, helping to heal those who are so broken and providing a light for a view ahead, that small glimmer of hope even in the most hopeless situations. The private times that suffering families have no strength to carry on and you stay with them until they can, walk on their own. This is the part of the journey most never see, the bond and role of a true advocate fighting for humanity in a world that is so un humane.

We have built new structure to better aid in victim service, experience the demand of growth with never enough funding in hand and have tested volunteers beyond their dedication point. In every dust storm that may come along we have survived and the achievement is greatly felt by those who took part. CUE is well known for establishing a family effect of volunteerism that is a trusting foundation for those lost in their grief. I look back and recall thousands of people who have helped over the twenty years and dream of those who will join the cause in the future.

When CUE began their were very few if any organizations fighting for awareness of missing adults, most focused on children (imo) because that is where the grant money was and people wanted to be paid; most felt like adults had the right to be missing, so why look for them? There were no laws to help an adult missing person, and the general public thought most adults probably created a situation that caused them to become missing. These were just a few of the issues that I came up against first hand and some still linger today even though we have proven differently. Adults are abducted, murdered, become a victim of intimate partner violence, can be in the wrong place with no fault of their own and yes sometimes do create a circumstance they may could have been avoided; still no one has the right to rip them from those who love them.

People have come and gone, most providing an invaluable talent and resource. In this colorful world some have come to hurt, manipulate and destroy a vision infecting a negative tone that in each venture taking away from the current of positive energy flow; many will have an agenda that takes times to reveal itself, the good things is we have survived that as well. I have learned there are many types of volunteers, the show and shine (they want to be seen but put in no work toward the effort), the, I will do it all (normally cause the cluster everyone else has to fix), and don't forget the spot-lighters (they only show up when everyone else does, so they can say they did).

But, lets not focus on that topic as their are sooooooo many others who find their true calling and experience a deeper understanding of the cause only to provide help in the time when others will fail. These are my heroes when you have witnessed them to "push past the pain" weather it be physical exhaustion or emotional torment. I have met to many people to count in the past, listing hundreds of reasons why they volunteer and give back, their is a shared kindred spirit among volunteerism.
 http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/volunteer-online-2/  I truly value each story shared with me and applaud every effort that has been made in support of the CUE organization.

CUE has participated in the force of promotion - support of DNA process reaching back to the early 2000's when CODIS was an unfamiliar word. We stood up for the call and endured all the challenges that took place for what we know now as the "Amber and Silver Alert System", honoring those who lost their lives because no system was in place for them.  We have stood by many families across the nation and aided in the creation of laws to better serve future missing adults. CUE answered the call to bring forth a grass roots awareness campaign for cold case of the unidentified, unsolved homicide and those missing, in addition providing free education for victims left behind which has built and produce hundreds of advocates nationwide. These are just a few major accomplishments I reflect on in times of doubt in the cause movement.

More......
Training of volunteers to become professional searchers
State Outreach Coordinator Program - to provide more resources in each state for families left behind
Building of a database to enhance communication among volunteers and supporters
Utilizing more college internships and youth mentoring programs
Adapting to the social media climate and offering ways to support the cause nationwide
Revamping information to better educate the general public concerning missing children and adults
Maintaining a ground floor active presence in communities that experience a missing individual

Today I am encouraged by the sector of youth who are getting involved in the cause, they have such a needed energy for those sometimes worn and are in need of a reminder. We must invest on our youth, they truly are the future (for any cause). As I think about this I look over to see the coloring booklet (Safe and Found) we unveiled this year, which is now going into schools in an effort to educate children on searching and foster more volunteerism; it has already produced some future searchers. Many may not know but "Jane' the life size childlike character has now come to life 9/20/2014 and she will make many friends in other states who will be hitting schools across our country to do the same, we are excited about all the possibilities of this new adventure.

In closing I would like to encourage you, the reader to do more, we all have to do more. You will never know who you will meet along in your path until you do.

My quote: "No matter how high the mountain seems, know that their is a peak and the view once there is clear and such a beautiful sight; yet we must accept that ahead is another mountain to climb".
- Monica Caison

Every Step I Take

It's four in the morning and I can't sleep
I toss and I turn my mind wants to think
In my heart I know the steps I have to make
I know it's important for every step I take

To much to process in the still of the night
I pray for some rest as I see the sunlight
In my mind I know the steps I have to make
I know it's vital for every step I take

A breath of fresh air could help me today
I cry out to God to show me the way
In my soul I know the steps I have to make
I know it's dedication for every step I take

I am deep in a valley but  have the mountain view
In a panic state I search for you or the clue
I bend till I'm broken but still feel no pain
The item I seek is my secret and true gain
Like a heart that beats steady I continue on
Standing faceless to realize only your gone
I struggle to climb  just to feel the wind blow
Falling done time after time but I still have to go
Blinded by glaring pathways I see ahead
Finally to the resting place that you said

Monica Caison
Honor of Austin Davis

You Can Make the Change

In the past few days I have been reminder of how life is not secure and the very fabric of what we believe in can shatter without warning or notice of any kind. I have learned and witnessed that justice is serve to those who are elected at that time, and that time only! But why is this? We as the community do have a voice, and the right to be a voice, so why are we stopped by others who do not agree; more importantly why don't they agree? I find myself looking out a window and my mind flows far away as I drift through memory after memory trying to locate an answer. I found none.

My conclusion, their are just people who live life only if they can feed on others and rip away slowly at what people believe just for the pure satisfaction of feeling accomplished, if that can even make any sense. So, I throw the file across the room in a fit of anger and curse all those who are responsible, it's not always those who caused the initial crime either, it is those who are all responsible. Later, picking up my mess, I begin to read as I sit on the floor finding things that make me recall why the missing are so important and need the help, I find myself ashamed for doubting myself and for a moment loosing my voice, maybe even my will; it won't happen again.

Someone sent me this song attached to a missing persons slide show and as I listen to the words and melody I recovered strength once again. No one has the right to try to change the facts and mask the truth. This is what crime is all about, the criminal silencing the victim, so what do we call others who bring forth silence? If you get a chance, listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFXRQKYFbXE&feature=kp

Then I laugh, moments later someone did a post saying something like "Throw me to the wolves and I will return with the pack", I guess that is somewhat true when your fighting for the victim. This is what people will not understand when families of the missing feel like they are losing the battle for their loved one, they owe nothing to anyone; those who are guest on the journey of a case are human and forget they are a guest. Yes, something to think about.

T - Teamwork
R - Resolution
U - Unity
S - Sacrifice
T - Truth

I was taught to always believe that the truth was first and by far most important, so my thought today is why then when the truth comes forth do so many begin to run around in circles to find a dark place to tuck it away? Truth cannot be forbidden, can it?

Instantly, I am reminded of the game of bowling...you ask what? Yes, where the ball rolling comes and knocks every pin down, the one pin is standing alone to shine under the light for like two seconds; then all of a sudden here comes the metal piece knocking that one pin over and pushing it back to the pile, never to be noticed again until the next round. I realize briefly these pins belong together or the game would not exist and furthermore they are all alike, none different. It reminds me somewhat of people and life's lessons.

Then, I think of the players concept of the win. The players objective is to keep knocking those pins down just to achieve points ultimately to win, right? Here's the question I have, no matter how many times the player continues to knock down the pins do they not realize the pins get reassembled and come back again, time after time? So thinking about this game, I wonder is it points a person desires? Is it the challenge of knocking them down which becomes the thrill? This is truly something one day I hope to understand. I never have liked that game.

Well, I guess I will close with a quote and oath I took in life.
“I offer myself to those who have nowhere else to turn. These desperate people who ask for my help have unique situations. Yet, however unique, they are bound together with the commonality of being the loved one of a missing person.” Monica Caison 

Not everyone's garden of peace

There were no church bells ringing, escort of recognition for Elisha Tucker as her family drove themselves to the graveside memorial on May 24, 2014. You see Elisha was a reported missing person and that was all. Her family struggled to find her, knowing something was wrong when all communication had stopped. Their were no calls from authorities with updates, no massive searches conducted for her whereabouts and nothing on the news. This is the raw truth.

Many people are reported missing each day and so many fall in the deep crack of being labeled an adult missing person, this is truly harmful. We have to do better, we have to listen, and we have to pay attention to all missing individuals. A need for importance of the simple value of human life desires the attention for empathy, no matter the circumstances of the persons life or the disappearance. The mere fact that someone is absent and people who know them the best and love them unconditionally, must play a factoring role in our quest. 

Although Elisha's farewell was small the broken feeling you felt for those left behind to endure was great. The casket was showered with photo collages and flowers of all colors. The words presented to us were about making a change in ones life, family and love. A bitterness still floated in the air for her loved ones as she was found simply by chance and only because police were looking for another missing woman in a almost closed landscaping field. But was it by chance? No, she deserved to be found and I am sure many walked away with a life lesson that day. We all have to matter, we all are loved by someone, we all need to be found, but more importantly "all need to be searched for". 

Elisha is the mother of five and who adored her children, she loved her close nit family and had a great deal of caring friends. She loved to dress up and wear lots of colors. Many spoke of her trusting nature, I stood in silence but wondering if that had contributed to her trusting the wrong person, the person who murdered her. The hugs, caring words I received for taking the time to care and help the family stuck in my throat as a dry spot for a reply. I had only got the case in March when her mother showed up to our annual event with her other daughter so fragile you could barley stand to watch it in real time. Shaking, fighting back tears, clinging on to her daughters arm, she sought me out at our national conference hosted for missing persons. Once I saw the condition of her pain I immediately found other mothers to comfort her, one mother, Janeane embraced her and from that moment on never let her go, even when she returned up north to her home. 

As I walked in the hot sunlight with flowers in hand I saw the mother struggling to find ground to stand on, needing to get to her chair, I grabbed her and helped her to her family. I felt such a great sadness for her loss - I connected by the touch and her grip to hold on. No family, no human being should have to endure that kind of loss. Death leaves a path of devastation, but murder leaves an enormous suffering of desperation. A desperation of lost hope, questions, shock, confusion, hatred and heartbreak; all rolled in together is what I call a "cluster - - - -" of a situation. 

The readings were heartfelt as the gathering of people all stepped in to listen, you could hear people crying, some even mourned softly, her children all had a blank stare ahead, when they did look at an adult for comfort they received it gently by the holding of a hand tightly. I realized as I have before, missing people touch more than one generation; Elisha's elders, her parents, her current age loved ones and now leaving her children to bare witness to this darkness. My friend Lisa came to town for our roadside rally which was being held the next day for missing persons, she again stood by my side as she has many times before in support for the families. You see Lisa knows all to well as her sister was once missing and now remains an unsolved homicide. I thought about her too, standing there and what she might be going through and under my breathe I said a prayer of peace for her.  

It was time to leave, we said our goodbyes, I whispered in Elisha's mother's ear, we are not going anywhere and when things calmed down and people went away, there I would be for her again. As we walked across the large city like grounds with life rushing around all corners of this graveyard, I still had one more stop.  My nieces grave deserved a visit from me, it had been too long since the last visit. We placed flowers down for her, said a prayer and pulled back the weeds trying to grab all sides of her headstone, took a picture for her mother and walked away. 

I reflected as I looked off in the distance at Elisha's family still at her site and I had no regrets. They asked for my help, I gave it by searching for her, getting her story heard by the news, put posters out, featured her at the conference vigil, provided her family with a daily support person and stayed until a resolution was afforded. Although it was a short time with them, I was true to my organizations mission. I will always feel accomplished in bringing those missing home, seeing things through to the end, even if it's to this place that is "not everyone's garden of peace". 

Monica Caison

5/24/2014

Life's journey can be so different

Yesterday as I prepared to attend a funeral of yet another "once" missing person, I was reminded of a friend Susan Murphy Milano and her passing way to young from this world. I was tormented by many words we shared about partner violence and how love or the lack of love can spin out of control. Human's can be cruel she would always say; her education in this arena far exceeded mine as I am an advocate for missing persons and crimes that involve that sector. I found myself being very weighed down as I set off for the two hour drive.

Along the road what appeared to be normal people drove to their respected destinations and I had much time to think. I thought about the horrific day this family had ahead of them, I thought about my own life scars and people who cause them, but mostly I worried for her children, now growing up without a mother all in the name of a senseless violent crime. I realize that the evil things people do in life are from the need of "feeling" some sense of ownership. Yes, ownership or maybe better said they want to win. People feel like they have to win that friendship or partnership; why I really do not have the answer, but it does exist.

I speak of a woman from a small town, who lived a simple life, her name is Angie Pipkin and now those who might have never knew her name will read it on her headstone for many years to come. A small wooded patch of land snuggled of a country setting open for view to passing roadside traffic she was laid to rest peacefully. Their is something to be said about those left to grieve. I know in my heart healing is slow and acceptance can be one of life's most horrible tasting pills one is forced to swallow. I did not cry, all day I fought back tears for them, I needed to still remain their advocate, their strength and help ease their pain in whatever measure I could.

The service was very empowering, I particularly loved to hear personal stories from the pastor, you see, he knew her and he testified for Angie; she deserved that parting respect. I clung on to his words as he spoke about judgement of people and how it was wrong....yes wrong! I listened as he gave comforting words of the test God allows us to take and how we, time after time fail, fall, stumble and sometimes get hurt badly. I lingered in thought about how he explained of Angie and her fight for life and always wanting to do the right things but somethings and maybe even people had failed her. My heart broke as he witnessed her salvation, right their in that church, right their at the very spot he pointed to, you could see it if you cared enough to venture in his memories of her. He stated "she was the victim", no one had the right to kill her, no reason could ever be presented otherwise.

I needed someone else to say it out loud, someone not connected to the world of the missing, the missing who are judged so often for a life that becomes public for all to judge, your life's mistakes just tossed out their for all to see, a life not in control, a life not so perfect. I thought about perfect in the eyes of who? Who are they? "They" believe they are better educated, better in their career, better in obtaining things of this world? Yes, "they" those who think they can cast that first stone, and he went on to speak about that passage in the bible. I knew the ending of that story, however I think their were many who needed to hear it; at the end of the day their were no stones to cast, God said go and sin no more. I looked at the life size photos of Angie's gleaming smile, and the slide show that reflected her mother's pride and joyful moments....all captured in time and now will become memories left for her children to reflect on each time they need to feel their mother close to them. That thought, the one thought alone left room for anger to slip in.

In the travel to her resting place I followed a very long line of cars escorted by law enforcement, at each rural turn their were officers and blue lights flashing frantically stopping any on coming traffic. The public pulled to the side of the road as we all passed to show respect for the family. I was captured by the spirit of the officers standing outside their vehicles at every turn, hats off and hand laid proudly across ones chest. It was a moment of appreciation and respect. Most may not have noticed all the little details in place for her farewell, but I certainly did and felt grateful.

A bird flew overhead standing at the graveside, I again thought of my friend, Susan. You see Susan believed from the depths of her soul in helping those who became a victim of violence, she fought relentlessly for their rights and sought out safe places for them to run, even sometimes hide. This case was one she would have been all over, this case is the testimony for woman of how a violent relationship can and unfortunately will end, this case I pray will save a life in the future.

In the end, people gathered to view the most interesting and amazing site of Angie's volt that she would later be incased in, affixed was the length of the casket covered with a professional made adhesive displaying a collage of pictures of her life and loved ones, with scripture quotes, her name and dates, it was breath taking. Her mother stood with each person as they came to see, she was like a proud mom, her pain worn hard on her face, but she wanted everyone to speak of her daughter and cherish her memories for the last time. She stayed until the last person left. I cannot even image how she felt when she had to leave herself, I said a prayer of courage for her silently.

I'm driving home and it is late at night, I listen to music all the way home, unloading all of my thoughts as they identify with words of different songs, thinking of many journeys I have been on with total strangers, and how "Life's journey can be so different".

Monica Caison
5/31/2014