A Sister's Love

This was read at my sisters service at her passing November 9, 2019 (Death date 10/14/19)

My Sissa – Marie

When you first meet my sister you would think, wow she seems nice, seems like a positive person and that would all be true.

But then you would become a friend, you would find out that there is so much more to this woman. Her strength, determination and her unconditional love would be a safety net for all your life’s struggles, fears and even doubts. You would find that even when Marie could not find how to navigate her own life at times, she would still be there to throw out the rope to help rescue you.

Many times she suffered is silence from being hurt from this horrible thing called cancer. Marie still forged forward as a pillar of hope for so many others. She opened her home to anyone who was in need of a place of refuge and her favorite saying “just eat a little something” would always seem to bring forth light into a dark day. Things always got better with a kitchen table talk, piece of cake and it really got great with a glass of cold milk and a devil dog!

I have known my sister all of my life. There are too many memories to count the special moments I have as a child, teen, adult to share today, so I will attempt to sum up the overall treasure of being ‘a younger sister” which was always a running joke between her and I, one that always received a laugh and response from her, words that make me laugh today and even cry.

Before my sister was Mrs. Crossman, before she was a mother, an aunt, the volunteer of the year at her children’s school, a talented seamstress, a friend; she was a sister, my Godmother and a daughter. She was 1 of 11 children and the oldest girl of this huge family. Because she was the oldest girl she took on the roll very young to care for her siblings, she learned how to cook and baked and she became a perfectionist’s in time management with organization skills that would serve her well in her adult life. She was a drill sergeant with a great detail on how to clean and gave no mercy to those she was in command of “anyone who ever took part in that troop knows exactly what I am talking about”, but there were rewards from this training and they were delicious, those famous chocolate cream pies or homemade chocolate chip cookies. These were the first two deserts I learned from her to make as a mother myself.

Marie made all of my cloths until I was going into the 9^th grade and some even after that, she afforded my children to wear a lot of her designs when they were younger as well. She loved to create framed cross stitch and many of her art works are displayed in homes today, including her own. She loved to make things pretty. She never gave a gift that wasn’t complete. If it was Jewelry it came with the cleaner, if it was a picture it was framed, when wrapped it most certainly had to have a matching bow!

Once her arthritis took control of her hands, she moved on to find hobbies to keep her busy. Those hobbies were her notorious Barbie collection, then the bears, then other dolls, toys, figurines, coins, then came the geo cache days and after some years the world of her munzee obsession. Marie never let any ache or pain stand in her way of obtaining enjoyment in her life.

We always shopped, no matter the length of a visit or reason, we found time to hit a store. In my visits to Florida to help in her care, even then with oxygen in tow and barley able to walk she wanted to go out and shop! Really our outings where more than that, it was our reason to be alone and just talk. As I look over the years of our excursions I reflect on the laughter, the rules we would break, getting lost in a parking lot, blaming every driver on the road for our mistakes and so much more. We never watch the time and we always had a story to tell when we got back, always. I learned my first pinky promise in a car while out with Marie when I was very young and now as a grandmother I continue that tradition. 

My sister rarely share her inner heartaches with most, I was blessed to have her trust that arena. If she ever share her heart in privacy consider you to be special. I learned as an adult that sisters were more than family, there is a bond that occurs, a vault for thing’s to be place for interment feelings, hopes and fears, trusted secrets only given up during times of a needed understanding, a love and empathy that is different and measures far beyond other relationships. I suffer the loss of my sister, that place I found rest, the security I need for this restless life ahead.

BUT, I do know she is at peace. I grab ahold of that thought as I run blindly through that open field as if I was flying a kite through a windstorm, fighting to never let go.

So there are a few things some may not know…

Marie did not like to argue because she knew she would already win so in her mind, what was the point!

Her favorite colors were pink and purple, flower was the rose, she loved green on walls and greenery but nowhere else, she loved almost anything sweet but mostly cake, she loved babies and spoiling them, she loved her pets as much as human people, she loved birds, her favorite was the white dove, she loved music, her favorite Christian song was “How Great Thou Art” and  she loved soft rock, county and ballots; but Celine Deon was her all-time favorite because of the love songs. She loved God and believed in all that he promises.

Her most important collection if you will was of family history. She has spent decades on research into the genealogy reaching far past the level of the most common person giving a care, but it was important to her. She was proud of our family, how far we have come and where we came from. Lord never ask her a question on something concerning our family because you would open a window of information dated back to the 1800’s.

Marie’s largest love lost in her life was our father, she adored him, she/we needed him and he left us way too soon. I loved to sit and listen to stories she share about my Dad and growing up, one in particular of her 16^th Birthday when my father bought her a special dress, back then it was one that he could not afford, but he did. Her story was that Dad recognized all her hard work around the house including good grades in school and being and I quote, a “good girl” the dress was a gift, given in private and was such a highlight of her validation with Dad, he wanted her to feel pretty and she did. She never stopped grieving him even in her last days here on earth.

Her last days

The last requested song she made to hear was “So Small” by Carrie Underwood, the last person she laughed out loud with was Michelle Carter, the last thing she did was work on her muzee clan, her last drink was a coke and cherry Slurpee, the last thing she ate was cherry jello and the last sentence spoken to me was “this has got to be the hardest thing I have every done”, it was moments after she said goodbye to her Grandson of eight years. The last person she spoke of was Betty her longtime friend that was married to Warrens father who had passed away, and her last breathe she took was with me. All of these things will forever be etched in my heart and memories.

The most painful thing she ever asked me was six days before she passed, what are your plans Monnie (my childhood nickname) as I entered the room, I questioned my plans? She said yea how do you plan to live without me? I told her then I didn’t know as I cried from the depth of my soul and as I stand here today I still do not have that answer.

BUT…..

I do know that there are many who have not been afforded in life to have had a sister like mine, that solid foundation built with love and forgiveness, the undying pride she took in all my accomplishments and that stand in parent when I needed one. We always celebrated each other’s life so today and probably for the rest of my life I will mourn that empty spot, that hole that cannot be filled. Yet, I hope one day the pain will ease and with a smile, I will remember, I was blessed to have a big Sister.

Written by: Monica Caison      #imissmysister

Has it come to this?

In the last few months many more have joined the statistics of the missing and murdered, and the world did not stop! Social media is plagued with faces of the missing, families crying out for information, people mourning the loss from an unsolved crime and yet so many scroll on by, the world did not stop! We continue to physically search, loved ones stand on dirt roads waiting for a ounce of success, children cry for their mothers whereabouts, a body is found, sadly not who you are looking for and worst someone did not report the deceased missing.....when does it end?

You move through your day like any other as you strive to make a small difference in all the madness, then it happens, that one thing early in the morning (your quiet time) you find yourself reading something, you watch the video, you look at the pictures and you feel it all. Its a feeling you know all to well, one that has occurred many times before, the heartbreak, the torture of a child sending balloons off to the sky shouting I love you mamma, happy birthday! I said to myself is this what it has come too? You want to run out and put a sign out in the ground saying "I suffer here" for all that pass by for a daily reminder.

Across the world families gather along roadsides, dirt roads, a rivers edge, standing on a bridge, parking lots whatever that last known place was to be of their missing or murdered loved one; crying out through the wind trying to grab some sense of sanity - some "thing" to help them heal. People find themselves continually retuning to that place because that's all they have, that's the reality of the life when you are forced into that dark place of our world, the missing and murdered, its a corner not often enough does light appear.

I write this today because people need to know your words are heard, they are felt and most of all there are people who care about what you are enduring, so be strong, hold tight to 'whatever or whoever' you can in each day. Remember one thing when you can barley think, do not give up! And....

When you cannot stand up, just sit
When you cannot walk, crawl
When you cannot think, cry
When you cannot move, pray

It is important to do something each day, you will find strength out of your own will within....

Monica Caison

My Memories of Robert Cooke

There are some people you meet and right off the bat you know your life has added a new person to your life's journey, and my buddy Robert was one of them. I do not believe our paths would have ever crossed if his daughter, Rachel Cooke had not become a missing person.

On January 10, 2002 Rachel was jogging and vanished while home visiting her parents in Georgetown, Texas and while on winter break from school. Her father Robert took her story across the country from that moment on, never giving up even until his last day here on earth with us. Robert spent countless hours each day devoting his time and empathy to families of the missing and organizations that helped the cause. He never wavered in his hope to find his beautiful 19 year old little girl.

Now, the last written story on Robert is his obituary that begins,  Robert William Cooke, 59, of Georgetown, Texas, passed away on November 5, 2014, in Austin, Texas.

In the weeks before his death we had conversations, mostly about Rachel (reminding me not to stop looking for her) and informing me that he might not be at the conference this year coming, but he kept saying he was getting better and by all sounds of his voice he was very convincing. You see Robert was and remains the only one person that attended every single CUE conference, he loved it and was a behind the scene important part of it. 

For me, each year he would hang back after the conference ended to meet with me, coach me and tell me all I did great and all that could use improvement, I needed that and I will miss our time together. I respected him and his advice and opinions. But that was not all. Robert loved to sing and dance! Robert, Lisa and I became the trio that "on Friday night" of the conference was a large part of the entertainment and was well known for our songs we always sang together.

My memories of him and  the laughter we shared (counted up it would be years)  will forever make me smile when I think of Robert, and sometimes make me cry. He was a silent rock for me, one I could call on whenever need be and one that held me up when I was weaken by life. I never lost interest in hearing his stories and found great comfort in his passion to heal others even when his life hid a suffering pain and desire of the unknown to where his daughter was; he was a force to be taking seriously on so many levels.

As we approach my first conference (2015) without my friend I miss him even more, it will be odd to know there will be no afterwards meeting, no dance or song, even more just knowing he was not the first registration that came in this year as he always was....I was reminded of my, our, the worlds loss.

So many things I could share about Robert and the years we had, but the most important one I think would be is "the never giving up HOPE", in that message we both supported. I recall a time when he explained, "We have to be that action of HOPE, you cannot just say it and not believe, if you believe than you have to be an example".  I know that I will continue to be just that. "Hope is a gentle word, one that carries a great expectation, but one that needs no explanation" - Monica Caison

In closing I present this song for Robert, enough said....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWTypH5FbwY

LYMI Monica

A year has gone by

One year ago today I began a very different journey without my beloved K9 Heidi, returning to the ongoing search effort for a missing girl. You see, hours prior I had received a call from home telling me that my K9 was not feeling well. I drove home that night and immediately took her to an emergency clinic; only to find out I would have to say goodbye to my partner of almost 11 years. I would have to say this was truly one of my greatest loss in life.

I came home in the wee hours of that morning overwhelmed with grief but knowing I had to return to the search I had left. I showered crying every step of the way and drove the hour and half back to our command scene. By noon of this day the world began to hear of my loss which for thousands it became their loss too. You see all K9's that work to recover the missing are special and become hero's to the families and those who work with them in the field; so the loss is felt by those who remember. My K9 Heidi was one of those who gave until her last living day, no warning, no fuss, she exit the world while most were asleep, the same way she entered the world.

I reflect back on the way Heidi came into my life as I had been looking to purchase a new working K9. I had decided that I would go with a yellow lab as I had always been a lover of the German Shepard, I wanted to try something different. In my year search I could not find a suitable partner and one day traveling home from spending the day at numerous breeder locations I received a call from a stranger. Hello, I answered and a strong voice on the other end said, I hear you are looking for a K9, I have a litter of Shepard puppies ready to go right now and you should come by and take a look. I advised the man I was in the market for a yellow lab but after several minutes of conversation he convinced me to stop by making no commitment.

As my husband and I pulled into the address provided I was impressed of the layout and was instantly greeted by this man, it was if I was meant to be there. He showed me around and walked me through a clean and well maintained kennel to see these puppies. He handed me his prize puppy, a beautiful male and I immediately said I have always owned females, but he convinced me this was the pup I needed. He was stunning and had a great drive, but for the hour I spent playing with him he kept running away or wanting to get away distracted by the other puppies. This little female kept coming up to me jumping on me wanting my attention and the man would continue to remove her from me and push the male back my way.

Now, two hours had past and we decided to leave and I was walking out of this area with the male puppy in hand, he was wiggling to get loose while this little female would keep jumping out the the secured housing area running to me and pulling on my pants, this happened about three or four times. I stopped and thought, here this one is constantly trying to get away and this other one was fighting to go with me. My husband said, are your sure this is what you want and looked down at this little girl pup, she is trying to tell you something he added. I knew at that very moment and let go of the male and picked up this little girl saying, this is Peggy's Gift, and we will call her Heidi. The family of Peggy Carr had made a large donation to purchase a new K9 for our organization and to help us in our continual search for others.

So we watched as the man gave Heidi a bath, chipped her and all the paperwork was completed; I tucked Heidi under my coat and she fell asleep the entire ride home. I immediately fell in love and I think my husband did too. We could not wait to show her off sending out emails announcing our new addition and introducing her to family and friends, thinking back even then people came by to meet her and everyone loved her. She was special from that moment on, just barley six weeks old.

I took her everywhere, into the center daily and she adjusted to her role and matured instantly. She was so in tune of her surrounding and my every move, her eye contact and attention was beyond that of a normal puppy and I knew she would be a great partner. Heidi was attending searches at eight weeks old, as I conditioned her for her life ahead. Her first search was a deceased male in South Carolina that CUE found moments after hitting the ground. I walked her through the scene to experience our recovery after the search was over. She adapted well to the world of search and gave her all in training, soon being well known for her protection of the vehicle. Her talent far exceeded my expectations and her love for families of the missing and her always knowing who were families amazed people across the nation.

At nine months old I was waiting until the age of one year for certification, a police officer asked me to walk her through an area for a missing person that we had been searching for, I explained she was not yet certified, but he advised me we were just taking a walk. To my amazement, Heidi had her first recovery that day. Her first high profile cases she worked on was that of a missing little girl and a woman named Alice Donovan, seven years later she would be the first on the scene to help recover a case she worked so hard on with me and hundreds of volunteers, that of Alice Donovan. There were recoveries in between that time and after, but this case was special for both of us, because even when everyone stopped searching for Alice, Heidi and I would go out to keep looking for years, it was meant to be and one of our greatest accomplished victories together.

So many memories I shared with Heidi and even days I find myself remembering things I have forgotten as we traveled so many places together and searched in almost every state as well. She earned her respect in the search world, was known by thousands across the globe. Heidi could be seen on countless local, state and national media coverage while searching, to include Larry King Live, Readers Digest, People Magazine, Chicken Soup Magazine and many others. Upon her death for days flowers, memorial gifts, cards, donation were sent into the CUE Center and left on my door step in honor of her life and awards were presented in her memory. It was a whirlwind of emotions for me as I was reminded of all who truly loved her.

So, today although my loss is still felt greatly, I feel blessed to have had her in my life. She guided me towards a tremendous growth in my search capabilities, making me a better searcher, a better human. LYMI

Another Mother Lives in Anguish

Yesterday I stood beside a mother in anguish experiencing the loss of a missing child; will their ever be a real justice for this crime that lingers on year after year? The pain and torment of the "not knowing" continues to affect families across the nation that suffer a missing loved one, as most move along in their daily task of no realization, until....IT HAPPENS TO THEM!

You see, as I write this blog another family somewhere in the world is reporting their loved one missing and their is just not enough real help. Yes, many fly over the Internet and share the post or pictures and every effort helps, but we have to do more. People need others to join them on the ground floor, stand beside them and offer some relief to the situation, something I have been saying for many years now.

In my devotion to the missing I have walked many miles searching places no one would go, visually have witnessed scenes that no loved one should ever have knowledge of, held a true broken soul until I was exhausted, heard the wales of a cry that rocked me to my core, but worse I have looked into the eyes of pure anguish, a mother seeking an answer "did you", find him/her? These things you can never experience unless you are there, involved and it is needed to understand the real hopelessness families are force to fight against.

December 7, 2014 was another one of those days that the ride home makes more difficult to endure, but it is a needed reminder. It's Christmas time and a mother cries out from the depths of her soul to the accused killers of her son and begs them for mercy, please tell me where my son is! This is what people have come to in this world, we have to beg the killers for mercy, this angers me greatly. Once a person has a missing loved one they will loose or find a renewed faith, they will learn to bargin, they will feel a complete desparation, and so much more; one thing all families will do is beg for a relief from the unknown state they are living in. This is why I and many like me, have dedicated their life too - no matter what it takes, find a releif for these familes, communities and those that love the missing person.

So here we all are, standning on roadways, parking lots, store fronts, front yards holding a sign and telling the world of the missing person and embracing another community, professing our faith as we light another candle in hope it will bring a light to our darkest paths ahead. The question is now, will you join us?

#BRINGZACHHOME 

Monica Caison LYMI
http://www.ncmissingpersons.org (volunteer now)

A Glance at History

The Community United Effort, better known as CUE Center for Missing Persons recently celebrated its 20th year birthday, looking back on the years of struggles, I have to note a few things.

CUE was born to help fill the void in the world of the missing, to bridge the gap when no help was in sight and to be on the ground to walk the journey with victims left behind dealing with the unknown fate of a missing loved one. My glance back I realize how much we have accomplished in our mission since its creation.

Over the years we have experienced much defeat and many sweet victories, but the most cherished moments are those behind the scene with families of the missing, helping to heal those who are so broken and providing a light for a view ahead, that small glimmer of hope even in the most hopeless situations. The private times that suffering families have no strength to carry on and you stay with them until they can, walk on their own. This is the part of the journey most never see, the bond and role of a true advocate fighting for humanity in a world that is so un humane.

We have built new structure to better aid in victim service, experience the demand of growth with never enough funding in hand and have tested volunteers beyond their dedication point. In every dust storm that may come along we have survived and the achievement is greatly felt by those who took part. CUE is well known for establishing a family effect of volunteerism that is a trusting foundation for those lost in their grief. I look back and recall thousands of people who have helped over the twenty years and dream of those who will join the cause in the future.

When CUE began their were very few if any organizations fighting for awareness of missing adults, most focused on children (imo) because that is where the grant money was and people wanted to be paid; most felt like adults had the right to be missing, so why look for them? There were no laws to help an adult missing person, and the general public thought most adults probably created a situation that caused them to become missing. These were just a few of the issues that I came up against first hand and some still linger today even though we have proven differently. Adults are abducted, murdered, become a victim of intimate partner violence, can be in the wrong place with no fault of their own and yes sometimes do create a circumstance they may could have been avoided; still no one has the right to rip them from those who love them.

People have come and gone, most providing an invaluable talent and resource. In this colorful world some have come to hurt, manipulate and destroy a vision infecting a negative tone that in each venture taking away from the current of positive energy flow; many will have an agenda that takes times to reveal itself, the good things is we have survived that as well. I have learned there are many types of volunteers, the show and shine (they want to be seen but put in no work toward the effort), the, I will do it all (normally cause the cluster everyone else has to fix), and don't forget the spot-lighters (they only show up when everyone else does, so they can say they did).

But, lets not focus on that topic as their are sooooooo many others who find their true calling and experience a deeper understanding of the cause only to provide help in the time when others will fail. These are my heroes when you have witnessed them to "push past the pain" weather it be physical exhaustion or emotional torment. I have met to many people to count in the past, listing hundreds of reasons why they volunteer and give back, their is a shared kindred spirit among volunteerism.
 http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/volunteer-online-2/  I truly value each story shared with me and applaud every effort that has been made in support of the CUE organization.

CUE has participated in the force of promotion - support of DNA process reaching back to the early 2000's when CODIS was an unfamiliar word. We stood up for the call and endured all the challenges that took place for what we know now as the "Amber and Silver Alert System", honoring those who lost their lives because no system was in place for them.  We have stood by many families across the nation and aided in the creation of laws to better serve future missing adults. CUE answered the call to bring forth a grass roots awareness campaign for cold case of the unidentified, unsolved homicide and those missing, in addition providing free education for victims left behind which has built and produce hundreds of advocates nationwide. These are just a few major accomplishments I reflect on in times of doubt in the cause movement.

More......
Training of volunteers to become professional searchers
State Outreach Coordinator Program - to provide more resources in each state for families left behind
Building of a database to enhance communication among volunteers and supporters
Utilizing more college internships and youth mentoring programs
Adapting to the social media climate and offering ways to support the cause nationwide
Revamping information to better educate the general public concerning missing children and adults
Maintaining a ground floor active presence in communities that experience a missing individual

Today I am encouraged by the sector of youth who are getting involved in the cause, they have such a needed energy for those sometimes worn and are in need of a reminder. We must invest on our youth, they truly are the future (for any cause). As I think about this I look over to see the coloring booklet (Safe and Found) we unveiled this year, which is now going into schools in an effort to educate children on searching and foster more volunteerism; it has already produced some future searchers. Many may not know but "Jane' the life size childlike character has now come to life 9/20/2014 and she will make many friends in other states who will be hitting schools across our country to do the same, we are excited about all the possibilities of this new adventure.

In closing I would like to encourage you, the reader to do more, we all have to do more. You will never know who you will meet along in your path until you do.

My quote: "No matter how high the mountain seems, know that their is a peak and the view once there is clear and such a beautiful sight; yet we must accept that ahead is another mountain to climb".
- Monica Caison

Every Step I Take

It's four in the morning and I can't sleep
I toss and I turn my mind wants to think
In my heart I know the steps I have to make
I know it's important for every step I take

To much to process in the still of the night
I pray for some rest as I see the sunlight
In my mind I know the steps I have to make
I know it's vital for every step I take

A breath of fresh air could help me today
I cry out to God to show me the way
In my soul I know the steps I have to make
I know it's dedication for every step I take

I am deep in a valley but  have the mountain view
In a panic state I search for you or the clue
I bend till I'm broken but still feel no pain
The item I seek is my secret and true gain
Like a heart that beats steady I continue on
Standing faceless to realize only your gone
I struggle to climb  just to feel the wind blow
Falling done time after time but I still have to go
Blinded by glaring pathways I see ahead
Finally to the resting place that you said

Monica Caison
Honor of Austin Davis